


Your Best and Brightest

by yhlee (etothey)



Category: Astronomy (Anthropomorfic)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Workplace, Crack, Gen, PWP (Physics What Physics), Yuletide Treat
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-11
Updated: 2016-12-11
Packaged: 2018-09-07 18:39:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,135
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8811787
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/etothey/pseuds/yhlee
Summary: It's another day at work in the Solar System, and Planet 9 has to deal with its coworkers.





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Lanna Michaels (lannamichaels)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/lannamichaels/gifts).



> I did some spot research but played fast and loose with the astronomy. All errors/infelicities my own.

It was another day at work in the Solar System. Planet 9 paused outside the building doors. Painted on the glass was a friendly smiling yellow Sun and the motto YOUR BEST AND BRIGHTEST, as if everyone were a luminary body. Beneath it, in much smaller red letters, the door said NOT TO SCALE.

Planet 9 entered and passed Security. It _hated_ going through Security, who always hemmed and hawed over whether Planet 9 was _really_ there. Planet 9 often thought about throwing its gravitational effects around a little, maybe stirring around the orbits of the trans-Neptunian objects, but it was too dutiful to do that. All it could do was hope to be properly detected and promoted to Full Planet Status.

Its office was in one of the darkest and most distant corners of the building. On its way, Planet 9 spotted Eris at the water cooler. She was probably refilling her methane reserves. It could hear Eris's music blasting from her cubicle. She liked doing that, probably to annoy everyone around her. Not for the first time, Planet 9 wished the IAU had named her something less combative, like Lila or Persephone. Rules were rules, though.

"Hello there, Planet 9," Eris said. Today she was dressed in an entirely proper outfit in severe methane white, but Planet 9 spotted a chakram in her pocket. She had gotten reprimanded for using chakrams in Cubicle Wars instead of approved projectiles like asteroids.

Eris still had _pretensions_ , which Planet 9 strongly disapproved of. She used to have a much more pleasant temperament, but now that she'd lost Full Planet Status, she had grown very touchy, especially around Planet 9 itself. Planet 9 reminded itself that the IAU's muddling about with Full Planet Status would drive even a more stable personality mad.

"Same old elliptical orbit," Planet 9 said resolutely. "You know how it is." This was Planet 9's usual strategy for dealing with her: appeal to the few things they had in common. Both of them knew the trials and tribulations of eccentricity.

Casually, Eris toyed with her chakram. "I do indeed." She tossed back her icy pale hair. "It must be so frustrating lurking out in the Undetected Cubicles."

She wasn't even trying not to be catty. Planet 9 glanced around, wondering how it could make its escape. Unfortunately, its incredibly long orbital period also gave it slow reflexes. Eris wasn't exactly nimble, but with an orbital period of 558 years as opposed to over 10,000 years, she was certainly faster than Planet 9.

Fortunately, the arrival of Pluto, who was carrying a mug of coffee, rescued Planet 9 from having to make a response. The mug said HOLST WAS ONTO SOMETHING in aggressive block letters. Normally Planet 9 avoided Pluto because some of his moons played nasty pranks, but for an underworld sort of fellow he occasionally managed a quirky sense of humor. It also had to concede that Pluto had taken his demotion from Full Planet Status to Dwarf Planet with remarkable grace, all things considered.

"Nice chakram," Pluto said to Eris as he approached. Behind him, his five moons trailed at a distance, chattering about the terrible and mind-altering coffee that Styx brewed. "Have you ever considered upgrading to a mass driver?"

Eris rolled her eyes. "You've been playing too many sci-fi video games again."

"You should try it!" Pluto was impervious to Eris's scorn. "If _you_ were stuck out in the Underworld Cubicles, you'd want some entertainment, too."

"What's your latest favorite?" Planet 9 said, relieved to change the topic. Pluto and Mars sometimes got together and hosted LAN parties after work, although Mars got unpleasantly competitive when drunk.

"I like Celestia," Pluto said eagerly. "I keep navigating out of the galaxy and getting lost."

"You fool," Eris said, "that's not a video game. Don't you have enough work to do here already without using a virtual planetarium during your leisure time as well?"

"I don't see anything wrong with it," Planet 9 said, although it didn't see the appeal, either. Still, what was the harm?

"Oh, and here we are, keeping you from getting refreshments," Pluto said with chagrin, gesturing with his mug at the water cooler and usual box of doughnuts. "Would you like some coffee? Styx brewed it fresh this morning."

"No, thank you," Planet 9 said hastily. It knew all about Styx's coffee. The last time it had been so foolish as to try the stuff, it had woken up with a hell of a hangover, missing memories of an entire 98 years. Admittedly that was a trivial length of time compared to its orbital period, but the Sun had put it on report. Sometimes Planet 9 wondered if that had anything to do with the way it continued to languish in the Undetected Cubicles.

Pluto chuckled darkly. "Well, at least get some doughnuts into you. Some more mass might make you easier to detect, you know."

"Yes," Eris said, her eyes flashing, "at least _you've_ never had to worry about clearing the neighborhood around your orbit." She sighed and eyed the doughnuts herself, but didn't take one. She'd always hated getting powdered sugar on her methane-white suit. Planet 9 wondered about this foible of hers, because it wasn't as if the powdered sugar would _show_.

Still, Pluto was right. "That beignet looks good," Planet 9 said, as amiably as it could with Pluto and Eris glowering at each other. Even with the help of a paper napkin, it got some powdered sugar on the icy patches of its suit. It was going to have to hit dry cleaning soon. But dammit, beignets were _delicious_. "Excuse me," it added, and put some money into the box to help pay for the doughnuts. The Kuiper belt objects took turns obtaining the doughnuts every morning. They were remarkably efficient.

"Well," Pluto said, "I'd better get back to work. I may as well enjoy the view of _New Horizons_ while it's visible."

"You've got enviably good eyesight to be able to see it still," Planet 9 said.

"Try being lord of the underworld for a while," Pluto said sardonically. "That'll help your night vision."

"Enjoy your boring NASA spacecraft," Eris said.

"Don't worry," Planet 9 said, knowing the source of her discontent. "You could see a visitor as early as 2056 if Jupiter gives them that gravity assist and they launch in 2032."

Eris's usual brittle demeanor dropped, and she looked at it anxiously. "You really think so?"

"I know it," Planet 9 said, thinking wistfully of what it would be like to move out of the Undetected Cubicles and into the Detected Cubicles with the other planets and other coworkers.

"Your day will come too," Eris said, patting it on the arm with unusual affection, and strode off.


End file.
